Even the best marriages can sometimes be stressful but when you take on the role of stepparent you’ll soon realize that the role comes with its own issues. But if you go in prepared you’ll encounter far fewer problems. Here, then, are seven things that you should never do as a stepparent.
1) Don’t bad-mouth the biological parents
No matter what negative feelings you may have about your spouse’s ex, don’t mention them to the kids. Your stepchild will always love his or her biological parents. If you say negative things about the biological parents, you’ll risk making the child think he has to choose between you and the biological parent. Instead, make it clear to your stepchild that his relationship with his biological parents does not need to change simply because you are in the picture now.
2) Don’t try to be the cool parent
Trying to win over your new stepchild with gifts or by bending the rules can easily backfire. In the long run, the child will not respect you as a parent and can end up controlling the relationship. Instead, try bonding through shared experiences such as walking the dog or cooking dinner together.
3) Don’t be the disciplinarian
Don’t be too lenient but don’t fall into the trap of becoming the family disciplinarian. Sure, your house needs to have rules but set them in concert with your spouse.
4) Don’t play favorites
If you are bringing your own biological children into the marriage, you’ll likely feel closer to them than to your new stepchildren. But be very careful not to show that externally. Make sure everyone follows the same rules, has the same consequences and gets the same amout of attention.
5) Don’t expect an instantly happy family
It can take years to build the trust and rapport with your stepchildren that you’ll need to truly be a family. Don’t expect that your stepchildren will instantly love you. Instead, expect that they treat you kindly and respectfully, just as they would a friend of the family or relative such as an aunt or uncle.
6) Don’t be upset if your stepchildren want time alone with your spouse
Your stepchild’s biological parent has a history with your spouse that you simply don’t. And because the changes in family structure can be unsettling to a child, your stepchild may need extra alone time with your spouse. Don’t feel threatened or upset if this happens. It’s all quite normal and part of the blending process. Also, allowing your stepchild to spend alone time with your spouse sends the message that there’s no competition between you and the kids for your spouse’s love.
7) Don’t deprioritize your relationship with your spouse
Although you definitely want to spend time and energy creating a bond with your new stepchildren, don’t ignore your marriage in the process. In fact, it’s extremely beneficial for the children to see that you and your new spouse have a healthy adult relationship. Be sure to schedule “couple time” with your spouse on a regular basis. Hire a babysitter if you need to in order to get some time alone out of the house. Your grownup relationship is every bit as important as your relationship with the children. After all, that’s why you became a stepparent in the first place.
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