We all remember doing it when we were kids: dad said no, so let’s go ask mom (she might say yes). We have a brief moment of celebration when mom says “yes” despite dad’s warning, until dad confronts the situation again. Now, everyone is in trouble! While it’s a subtle technique and one often not detected, undermining your partner’s parenting is a detrimental mistake to the relationships in the family, even the marriage.
Undermining Blatantly Puts One Parent’s Authority Over the Other
Chances are, when you entered into this partnership and decided to have kids, you anticipated making parenting decisions together. You more than likely did not anticipate lone-wolfing it while your spouse blatantly disagrees and tells the kids something else. Actions like this boil down to one person’s decision that their opinion is more important than the other’s. Parenting no longer becomes a partnership, it becomes a hierarchy. This is not only unhealthy, but it’s damaging to every relationship involved.
Undermining Makes One Parent Look Like the Bad Guy
Growing up, you may have heard the expression, “the good parent and the bad parent”. The “good parent” was usually the one who said “yes” to everything – ice cream before dinner? Sure! Staying up late? Why not? The “bad parent” was the one that rained on every parade – Staying up is not an option! You must eat your broccoli before you have dessert! Quite frankly, when it comes to discipline, kids pit the parents against each other and put themselves in a position to understand which parent will give them the answer they want. It’s the typically “good guy” versus “bad guy” mentality. Less than healthy for any parent’s heart or ego.
Undermining Will Breed Resentment
After a couple of years of this nonsense, you’ll begin to resent your spouse for turning you into the bad guy, or for questioning everything that you say. When there’s no healthy communication for parenting, things fall apart. Why? You don’t have the same motivations, you don’t understand the “why’s” behind every answer, and you’re not living with each other in an understanding way. You’re simply focusing on what you want, and how it’s the opposite of what they’ve said.
Undermining Confuses the Kids
You can watch a kids face when he’s told “no” and then “yes”, or when parents argue about the decision in front of them: it’s pitiful how confused they look. It’s not their fault; kids will be kids. If they think they can get something they want from one parent, of course they’re going to exhaust that option before trying option number two. Kids need solid, immovable boundaries and rules; they need not be confused by the ups and downs of two parents who aren’t in sync and who are constantly undermining the other’s authority.
Can you see how undermining can be a devastating thing to family dynamic and interpersonal relationships? It’s starts subtly, so pay close attention that you and your spouse work together in making decisions, never undermining each other intentionally.
Image Credit: Pixabay.com
The post Why You Shouldn’t Undermine Your Partner’s Parenting appeared first on Big Blended Family.