Divorce is a tricky subject in regards to kids. A healthy home life is pivotal for children as they grow, and sometimes problems in marriages that seem forced prevent it. On the other side of the coin, couples who are quick to neglect that interest of their children in pursuit of their own selfish happiness can be just as devastating. Couples who take divorce lightly often leave in their wake kids with scars that may never go away. So while there may not be one definitive answer, there are certain things to consider in regards to kids and divorce to keep your kids in good emotional health no matter what the outcome.
Consider the Reason
There are some cases where there is absolutely no question that divorce is the only healthy option: abuse is one example. There are some cases that are really questionable and subjective in opinion: infidelity is one example. There are some cases where you and your partner may know that divorce doesn’t really need to happen, but you’re just tired of spinning your wheels trying to make it work: you don’t feel love anymore, is one example. Nobody can tell you what to do, though people may encourage certain behavior.
When children are involved, understand that your decision will absolutely affect their outcome. In an abuse situation, you’re affecting it for the better. In a haphazard “forgotten love” situation, you’re teaching them, by example, that marriage is something to be taken lightly and that relationships will come and go with our without commitment. What is your reason for considering divorce? If keeping your relationship in tact is a healthier scenario for your kids, consider the alternative to be detrimental.
Make it Work if You Can or Should
You’ll know the instances that you absolutely should not try to make it work when it comes to preserving the mental, emotional or physical health of you and your kids, and these situations are typically extreme. If you know that you shouldn’t make it work, and you have the opinions of those you love and trust that are in agreement, divorce is likely the best option for the sake of your kids. If you’re not in this kind of extreme situation, understand that the lines are little fuzzier, and that most people are of the opinion that divorce will effect kids negatively.
Unhappy parents will also affect kids negatively, so there’s a balancing act here. Protect your kids from your relationship issues, and do your best to focus on them when you’re with them. Kids need to know that they have two parents that love them, not two parents who are apathetic or can’t get along. Beyond that, do whatever you need to do to turn the ship. Marital counseling, support groups, church support and prayer are all things to consider, and are all things that can help turn a marriage around.
Cut Ties or Be Cordial
If you determine that divorce is your only option, do your best to preserve your kids by creating appropriate boundaries. If the situation warrants that they can or should have both parents in their lives on a regular basis, allow it. Don’t talk negatively in regards to each other and don’t try to skew their opinions of the other parent. To do so would be to drag them into your relationship issues and make them privy to private matters that they shouldn’t know as children. Above all else, make it easy for them as they transition, and be cordial with each other. On the contrary, if the relationship was one that was detrimental to you or your kids’ health, cut ties. Though you may be facing a custody battle in court, do your best to maintain as much distance as possible and let the lawyers do the talking.
Divorce can be ugly, but staying in an unhealthy marriage can be as well. Fight for your marriage if you should in order to do your very best to preserve the emotional health of your children; but know also when it’s best to walk away.
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