Divorce is never easy for parents and for children it can be even more stressful. They probably won’t understand why things have to change and it can leave them feeling resentful, angry and sad. To help make things go as smoothly as possible and help your child feel secure and loved in his or her new world be sure to avoid these eight common mistakes that divorced parents make.
- Making the child the messenger. If you need to speak to your ex about a decision regarding your child, do so over the phone, in person or via email. If you ask your child to communicate for you it causes them emotional stress because they are being forced to negotiate a situation their own parents could not handle.
- Speaking badly about your ex in front of the child. Every child loves both of his parents no matter what and every child is a product of both parents. By criticizing the other parent, your child will feel rejected or criticized as well. Instead, support your child’s relationship with the other parent by communicating that he will continue to see both parents and be loved by both parents.
- Spoiling your child. You might be tempted to divert your child’s grief by spoiling him, especially if you have less time with the child than does the other parent. But remember that your child needs normal parenting and guidance more than he does new toys. By keeping parenting normal, you’ll help your child feel more secure in his new life.
- Giving the child the third degree. When your child returns from a stay with your spouse, avoid grilling him about what happened. Saying nothing is equally bad. Instead, ask your child general questions such as “Did you do anything fun this weekend?” or “Did you get to take the dog to the park?”
- Failing to work as a team. Just because you are no longer living together doesn’t mean you should stop parenting together. Instead, set up rules and expectations for your child that you will both enforce such as bedtimes or curfews.
- Putting your child in the position of choosing. Asking your child to make a choice between two parents, such as where to spend summer vacation, puts your child in the awful position of deciding where his loyalties should lie and can leave him feeling guilty, resentful, or angry.
- Discussing parenting issues around the child. If you need to discuss issues such as child support or scheduling of a child’s time, do it when your child is at school or you are at work. Even if you can speak to each other civilly, your child should not be allowed to hear these discussions. Overhearing them could make the child feel like they are a burden or that they have caused the issue.
- Sharing your emotional needs. Although you may feel emotionally needy, you should not express this to your child either verbally or through actions such as overlong hugs when the child is leaving to see the other parent. This could make your child feel guilty about leaving you when going to see the other parent or even, in extreme cases, feel guilty about leaving you at all such as when going to school or visiting a friend.
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