Traditionally, mothers try to hang onto their daughter’s childhood as their daughters try to shoot towards adulthood. This is especially true in the tween years. Read on for tips on how to stay close to your tween daughter during the mother & daughter tug of war that inevitably ends in your daughter’s adulthood.
Don’t Take Things Personally
I know it is easier said than done, but really try not to take your daughter’s inevitable outbursts, tantrums, rudeness, etc., personally. Remember that while their changing bodies are raging with hormones, they are also trying to bridge the gap between being a child and being a cool teenager. Biology , changing social structures, and fluctuating interests will make their behavior more than a little erratic. These years will require a ton of patience, understanding, and more than one moment where everything that just came out of her mouth is, “Water off a duck’s back.”
Be willing to Adapt
Tweens cannot be parented in the same way as they were when they were little. On one hand, it is not appropriate because it would probably shame her and undermine her independence. On the other hand, that style of parenting is bound to be ineffective. Instead, listen to what she is saying and try new tactics. Sometimes, those moments we just want to shake her and force her to listen are those moments we actually need to be listening.
Focus on Connection
Many parents’ first instinct is to become stricter when a tween is acting out. However, heavy handed discipline is bound to rebound. Your tween still needs you in her life, she just doesn’t know how to be both independent and mommy’s little girl at the same time yet. (She will probably figure that out sometime around her freshman year of college. Good luck.) She will try to push you away. Don’t let her. Take a few moments throughout the day to try and connect. If at no other time, many parents have reported positive outcomes to taking a few moments before bed to talk about the day. It may not be songs and a story anymore, but you’re still tucking your little girl in. Parents connected to their tweens and teens have an easier time in general because discipline/punishment becomes less necessary.
Cultivate Their Independence
It is normal for your tween to want more independence. In fact, it is downright healthy for her to crave unsupervised time. When she starts feeling too controlled, she will rebel like a force of nature. Instead, offer her healthy and appropriate opportunities to make independent choices. She will make mistakes, but that is how she will learn to become a successful adult. Of course, it would be inappropriate for a tween to be completely independent. You’re going to have to use discretion to regulate how much she decides.
Have Mommy-Daughter Dates
Be sure to schedule regular quality time with your daughter. She still loves you and craves quality time. Do activities you both enjoy and be sure you listen. Time and connection will ease the mommy-daughter tug of war until it’s no longer war and you’re just friends.
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